Life in a Bind – BPD and me

Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my therapy journey. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org. I write for welldoing.org under the name Clara Bridges.

Memory Monday – “In my Dreams”

7 Comments

In common with a few other bloggers at this time of year, I have decided to delve into my archives (which are not that ancient, as I only started blogging in March 2014!) and to share links to a few older entries,  via a series of ‘Memory Monday’ posts. A number of followers have joined me over the last ten months or so (many many thanks to those who have!) and I hope that re-sharing some of this material will be helpful, particularly for those who have started reading more recently. I know that when I start to follow a blog, though I may read new entries as and when they come in, it’s often difficult to find the opportunity to delve back into the archives. The posts that I share will be an assortment of entries which may have been either early; or not as widely read so far; or the opposite and most widely read; or a non-contradictory combination of the above! As far as possible, I will share past posts according to what feels most relevant and appropriate for what I am going through at the time; past posts that speak in some way, into the present. Hopefully, they may then link more naturally into new posts at around the same time.

For the first ‘Memory Monday’, I wanted to share a link to a post from July 2014, called ‘In my Dreams’.

https://lifeinabind.com/2014/07/20/in-my-dreams/

I was reminded of it only a couple of days ago, when I was thinking about how disconnected I have been feeling from my therapist, since the Christmas break. The phrase that entered my mind was that “I feel as though I am relating to her from behind a wall of glass” – she feels emotionally inaccessible.

My very next thought was to recall a dream described in the above post, in which I escaped from a room where the walls were made of glass, only to find myself at the top of a tall building, with no obvious means of being rescued. At the time, I had wondered whether the dream was about therapy, or even about myself. A couple of days ago, I wondered not only whether the dream was in some way related to my current feeling of disconnection from my therapist; but also whether the way I am feeling about my therapist is a projection of how I am feeling inside. Disconnected from my own feelings. If that’s the case, perhaps that then feeds back into the interpretation of the original dream.

Although I have not been posting on my ‘usual’ weekly basis since the New Year – due to very low mood carried through from the Christmas break and an unfeasibly large amount of work – I have a long list of new posts I would love to start work on, once I am feeling a bit better and things are back on track. The link above feels relevant to some of that new material ‘waiting in the wings’, as I hope to write more about dreams in the context of therapy and in the context of feelings for one’s therapist. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the link above!

[I hope the format of including a link in the main body of the post works well, but please do give me your feedback via comments, if not. I spent an interesting time reading about all the various methods of re-posting one’s own archival material, and it was nowhere near as straightforward as I had thought! There is no re-blog function for one’s own posts (unless you follow your own blog and then try and find the ancient post in your Reader!); changing the date-stamp and republishing can cause ‘error’ messages for any earlier links to the original posts floating around the internet; ‘sticky’ posts don’t give the option to comment on the re-post; and posting the entire text of an earlier post again, can create problems with Google search and duplicate content. Sigh. Which is why I settled on a link, plain and simple. 🙂  ]

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Memory Monday – “In my Dreams”

  1. Yes, I was also recently looking to see how to republish a post. I didn’t think of the following yourself route, but I do think providing a link is easy and straightforward. I do have an initial thought on your dream, but will read your original post first. January is a tough month… hope it improves soon.

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    • Hi Cat, I have just followed myself and reblog buttons have appeared on my posts!Something I read online seemed to imply that even if you followed your own blog, you would have to ‘re-find’ the post in your Reader, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. What I don’t know, is whether a reblog of your own post will effectively be ‘duplicate content’, and whether that matters. In case you’re interested, I found this: https://support.google.com/webmasters/answer/66359?hl=en . T

      Thank you so much for your comment on the post itself and on my dream, which as usual with your insightful and very helpful comments, I want to ponder before replying more fully when it isn’t almost midnight (though that is earlier than I usually manage to go to bed….)! January is indeed a tough month, and I hope you are doing ok and surviving it too. I am hoping that if last year is anything to go by, things will be looking up by March 🙂 If I can only stop worrying about NEXT December and January…..!

      ps if you look up the Yalom (which is excellent) I would also recommend looking up ‘The Gift of Therapy’, also by Yalom. A fantastic book, for therapists and clients alike, with 80 or so bite-sized chapters on different aspects of therapy. Easy to dip in and out of but full of some fantastic insights and helpful guidance….

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      • The only thing about rebloging my own posts is that I then don’t like how it lays out. Obviously, it’s your call, but I think providing the link as you did in this post is straightforward

        Things might have improved last march but maybe it could improve sooner this year. I’m not surprised you stress over next Christmas, especially with children. I dunno how on earth I’d have survived outside my selfish singlehood bubble 😉

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      • Thank you so much for the feedback Cat – I’ve stayed with the link format, as you’ll see tomorrow 🙂
        Things do feel a little bit on the up already, which is good. That may have something to do with the fact I have started to write again, after a four week or so break…or maybe I’m able to write because I feel better…
        I’m not denying that part of the stress of Christmas was child-related, but I think for me, the bigger trigger into a downward spiral, for two years running, has been immense amounts of work load and work stress. The children trigger me constantly in different ways, and my workload is always large, but it just gets completely ridiculous either side of Christmas and the long build-up, with a therapy break and the then knowledge that January itself will also be manic, just tends to send me over the edge a bit….but you’re right that not being able to disappear inside myself and deal with it by having real downtime, because there’s always family to look after, definitely makes it even more challenging.
        If there’s one vibe I have never ever got from you Cat, it’s that of selfishness 😉

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  2. I read your old post. I liked the dreams about escaping from a prison like situation. Those are fantasies I have often had. There is a great scene in The Dark Knight Rises where Bruce Wayne finds the courage to “escape the pit”. You can find it on Youtube. Your post made me think of that. Also, I’m currently reading a book about the greatest prison escapes. It’s quite fascinating! The sad thing is that it’s much easier to get out than stay out for criminals, of prison. I think it’s the opposite with BPD. The hard work is getting out of it, but as you emerge and gain more strength, the islands of solidity become more easy to maintain.

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    • I loved The Dark Knight Rises when I saw it – but as with all films, I tend to forget them fairly quickly! I will look up that clip again 🙂 What’s the book called, that you’re reading? It’s good to know it gets a bit easier as you start to ‘come out’ of BPD – so often I feel as though it’s two steps forward and many many steps back, and that I’m right back where I started……but hearing your words is definitely encouraging….

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  3. Thanks for your thoughts – it’s called The Mammoth Book of Prison Breaks. You can find it on Amazon.

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