Life in a Bind – BPD and me

Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my therapy journey. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org. I write for welldoing.org and for Muse Magazine Australia, under the name Clara Bridges.

Memory Monday – “PayBACS – a tale of BPD splitting”

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This is a very early post, and the only one I’ve written specifically about ‘splitting’ (or ‘black and white thinking’). This is despite the fact that it permeates so much of my thinking and appears regularly as an aspect of other posts as well. Although it describes a specific incident that happened after one of my therapy sessions, for me at least, the reactions and feelings involved are typical of my ‘splitting’, irrespective of the context in which it happens. This is the link to the post:

https://lifeinabind.com/2014/04/11/paybacs-a-tale-of-bpd-splitting/

It feels particularly pertinent for me at the moment, as for the first time in many months (probably since September and the end of the long August ‘therapy break’), I am finding my perceptions of, and feelings about my therapist, changing on an almost daily basis, and alternating from idealization to devaluation and back. The cycle is broken only by days when my feelings are of apathy and lack of feeling.  I remember how I used to hate never knowing how I was going to feel about her from one day to the next – and how I thought that that ‘phase’ was behind me, during those months of almost undisturbed ‘adoration’ between September and December. I need to remember that therapy is not a straight road but a winding path, which often doubles back upon itself so that it appears that we are going over the same ground, and through the same terrain, again. ‘This too shall pass’, I can hear a friend of mine saying  – I’m sure that’s right, but I’m still no clearer about the eventual destination….

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One thought on “Memory Monday – “PayBACS – a tale of BPD splitting”

  1. There are hardly ever long silences with my Therapist, sometimes I feel he talks too much. Of course, it’s all about me and I would prefer this to painful silences. While reading ‘Love’s executioner’, I am beginning to wonder if this is him trying to connect. I’ve never thought about sharing book interests and can see how it might be a good reference point.
    About the splitting post. You do write so very well and explain it perfectly. Parts of your post made me laugh at the entire process. What it made me realise, splitting is probably another reason why I keep myself so isolated. All that extreme emotion and drama can be too much to bare. I love and hate people all the time and if I don’t see whoever I hate, my hate will fester for a very long time. All that negativity can change in a heartbeat with contact.
    Incidentally, I just wondered about the BACS request. Did you ever ask her why?

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