Life in a Bind – BPD and me

My therapy journey, recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I write for welldoing.org , for Planet Mindful magazine, and for Muse Magazine Australia, under the name Clara Bridges. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org.


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Friendships with Ex-patients: Why I Say “No”

Although this post by Dr Stein was written last year, it feels like a logical conclusion to the series of posts I recently shared (both his, and my own), on the topic of feeling excluded from your therapist’s life, and the related question of whether a friendship between therapist and client would be possible. Even for clients who are persuaded (though painfully) by the reasons behind this ‘exclusion’, the question remains – why should a friendship be prohibited once a client becomes an ex-client? And if there are reasons for prohibiting it for a period of time, why should such a friendship not be permissible at a later point?

As with the reasons behind why therapists and clients would find it very difficult to maintain a ‘dual’ relationship, the reasons in this post are also very persuasive. I wish it were not so, because everything within me dreads and fears the day (hopefully far far in the future) when I will come to the end of my current therapeutic relationship. But I have been fortunate to have received an email from my ex-therapist, following a desperate plea from me for ongoing contact, that was kind and compassionate, and made the ‘no’ slightly easier to bear. I hope that if you too are in a similar position, the response that you receive is as honest but compassionate and caring, as the one described by Dr Stein above….

Dr. Gerald Stein

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I recently received an invitation from a former patient to meet for coffee. This warm-hearted offer came from a man who is as principled and decent as anyone I know. What’s more, he is funny and bright — just the sort of person I’d enjoy having as a friend.

I said no.

Now you might ask, why did I make this decision? This was not the first such request since I retired over two years ago and not the first from a person I thought companionable. I’ve said no to all of them. What I’m about to do is explain how I reasoned this out. I’ll finish with my response to this terrific guy.

First, nothing in the American Psychological Association’s Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct forbids me from having communication with former patients. Nowhere does it say I can’t be friends with them. We are, however…

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How Would a Friendship with Your Therapist Work?

Another very interesting post by Dr Stein, using a ‘thought-experiment’ to elicit the difficulties inherent in the notion of friendship between therapist and client. This follows on from both Dr Stein’s original post on the reasons behind clients’ ‘exclusion’ from their therapists’ lives, and from my own post on how that feels, from the patient’s perspective.

As with Dr Stein’s other posts, I believe his points are very well-made and hard to argue with, and are put forward both carefully and compassionately. In common with many, I think, the challenge for me is to somehow turn this intellectual knowledge and acceptance of ‘how things must be’ into an emotional understanding and acceptance. It will come, with much work and with digging deep; but in the meantime, every time, as clients, we come face to face with feeling excluded and ‘bump up’ against the boundaries of therapy, we have an opportunity to talk about how it feels, to discover the origin of those feelings, and to start to heal from them. It’s all ‘grist for the therapy mill’, as a friend of mine would say….!

Dr. Gerald Stein

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The fantasy of having a closer relationship with one’s therapist occupies the mental space devoted to imaginary things. It must, because few counselors permit such a connection. Professional ethics generally prohibit the dual role of therapist/friend and therapist/lover. Yet, there is value in fleshing-out what this double-bond would look like in practice.

Responses to my recent post, Being Excluded From Your Therapist’s Life, suggest the fantasy dies hard. What follows is an effort to describe how the relationship would function if brought to life — the day-to-day lives of a shrink and his patient. I invite you, dear reader, to think along with me. Let me know if my concerns are off-base. Even more, once you finish reviewing my ideas, I’d love to read your own notion of how to create the connection some of you want with your therapist: an outline better than the current prohibitive model you…

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