Life in a Bind – BPD and me

Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my therapy journey. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org. I write for welldoing.org and for Muse Magazine Australia, under the name Clara Bridges.

7 thoughts on “Sometimes, this is what therapy feels like, after

  1. Oh my! You totally nailed it with this:

    ‘You go through therapy trying to sideline the massive inequality between you, which you know is there but is too painful to think about. You build genuine, caring, deeply trusting relationship – and still you try to turn aside from the knowledge that for perfectly legitimate, necessary, and ‘nobody’s fault’ reasons, you are not loved in quite the way that you love. And you try very very hard to be okay with the way in which you are loved, because it is still the best way that you have ever experienced, and you are very very grateful.’

    I totally agree with everything you said.

    Sometimes (all the time!) the thought of them not being there anymore is agony- I wrote a post about that a few weeks ago. Some days the agony is more acute than at other times. This time of year is tough isn’t it?! X

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is so accurate. The fears of therapy ending, but your passage about trying to accept the amount of love you get versus the amount you give just broke my heart because I feel that so strongly. We know exactly why things are as they are, why boundaries are set in place. But that doesn’t erase the sting of knowing that the quantity and quality of our love for and attachment to them is not (and cannot) be reciprocated. It’s strange, too, to know that if it were reciprocated at the level or intensity we wish for then our therapy probably wouldn’t work as well as it does because our therapists could not be clear headed or impartial. And yet I still like to believe my relationship with her is special. Like even if she won’t love me the way I want, she might cherish our relationship more than that of other clients. Keeps me going, even if it is likely false. You write so powerfully, I always look forward to seeing what you have to say and hearing your reflections.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I so totally understand and you put into words that which I haven’t dared or haven’t allowed myself to think. I’ve been with my therapist so long…lulled maybe into a false sense of security but still that scared feeling underneath of when the end will come and how I will be sidelined. Lately she has been saying, I won’t be here forever. I know that. But her telling me that forces me to think about it. I feel I haven’t healed fast enough and this is a tool she is using to speed it up, even though I know the end could come in a year or two or sooner. And how I wish I could allow myself to grieve in anticipation. Great post. As usual you put your feelings out there which mirrored mine. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel your pain. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Extraordinary as a piece of writing and its insight into the dilemma you describe. Talking about death, as you did, may be the key to a different way to approach this. I recently read Paul Tillich’s “The Courage to Be,” which faces questions of death, the anxiety of living, and meaning from several different points of view, including Stoic, mystical, and religious. It is a very difficult, very abstract little volume, but it might shift your perspective just a bit. I’m not guaranteeing an epiphany, unfortunately, but you have the good will and concern of many of your readers, this one included.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s