Not for the first time, a quote from the TV series ‘Dexter’, really hit home. Earlier today I’d been talking in therapy about my marriage, and the fact that I have no idea how to proceed. I’m not after an ideal – but now that I understand what relationship is, I want to love and be loved in a way that honors that, and the person I am becoming. I don’t believe the grass is always greener – but perhaps sometimes, it is.
I ran from a parental home into a married home, taking the damage of my childhood with me. Not seeing that, then; but being unable to see through it, now. Nowhere feels safe, apart from the refuge of my therapeutic relationship that feels more like home than anywhere else. I know that there I am accepted, and there I can be who I am. It’s the only place where I can think clearly; where my sense of self does not feel under threat.
Outside that relationship, I’m not sure which way to run. But I think my therapist would say that ultimately, whether the marriage survives or not, there is no need to run. If I can internalise that place where I feel accepted unconditionally and where I can be who I am, then my sense of self is not really under threat. It can bear with the past, stand in the present, and be open to the future.
But right now I’m just too scared and confused. This work is hard.
February 14, 2018 at 1:00 am
No one could have described self acceptance and a secure sense of self better. Confusion is a stop on the way to clarity.
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February 14, 2018 at 6:51 am
The ‘Dexter’ script writer is indeed a genius 😉
February 14, 2018 at 5:45 am
Reblogged this on elizabethmaddenreads and commented:
Totally agreee.Great blog post!
March 13, 2018 at 11:04 am
I hope things get better, and I hope you are able to feel safe. And, forgive me for my excitement, but OMG, I love Dexter, too! I completely missed that quote from Dexter, but I can see how that quote is relevant to how you feel. It sounds like you’re putting in a lot of hard work. I know this is cliche to say, but you’re brave, and it’s okay to be brave and broken at the same time. There’s much work I need to do, but I’m taking a break right now because I’m not so brave. Your words actually do offer hope to others, even if you may not realize or intend to. I hope you’re able to find those answers you’re looking for, and that place of calm and acceptance. You deserve to feel safe.
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