Life in a Bind – BPD and me

My therapy journey, recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I write for welldoing.org , for Planet Mindful magazine, and for Muse Magazine Australia, under the name Clara Bridges. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org.

Breaking and remaking

6 Comments

This process happens repeatedly during therapy. Even after three, four, five years, the breaking and the remaking happens. The shattering and the putting back together.

After time, it becomes a little easier to bear. Familiar in its recurrence, less shocking in its predictability. Maybe a little less painful – as if the pain has had its edges knocked off by repetition.

If only it were the mirror that could shatter and by putting itself back together could show me a different me. Instead the mirror stays steadfast and it is I who must repeatedly break and reconfigure until what I see reflected bears more resemblance to the truth. Or at least, what my mirror tells me is the truth – my breaking is far from finished.

The mirror flashes back at me all the different shards of myself; the ugly, jagged parts which I have to hold gingerly, but firmly, like infant selves, to fit them back into a whole.

The trouble with being broken in order to be righted, is that it can feel like the old breaking – the one that left us scarred and misaligned. The solution can feel a little like the cause, until we see that it’s the presence of the mirror, waiting to show us our true reflection, that makes the difference between the two.

It never fails to hurt me, this breaking. It never fails to amaze me, either.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Breaking and remaking

  1. If you’ve ever been to an amusement park, you’ve seen distorting mirrors. Moreover, no two of us see things exactly the same way. What a perfect mirror might show you, from where I stand, would be quite lovely, if only you would see it.

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  2. yes. totally amazing is the remaking. I could do without the constant breaking, though. xoxo

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    • I know what you mean…..but it seems to be necessary….it was painful getting to the point of needing therapy, though I think I dulled that with all sorts of things, and I guess it stands to reason it will be painful getting to a different place. It can be so immensely rewarding, and so immensely challenging. I have so much admiration and respect for those who make this their vocation, to help others through the process…I hope you’re doing ok…

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  3. I hear you! Painful, painful process.

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