Life in a Bind – BPD and me

Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my therapy journey. Listed in Top Ten Resources for BPD in 2016 by goodtherapy.org. I write for welldoing.org and for Muse Magazine Australia, under the name Clara Bridges.

It feels like only blood

14 Comments

*TRIGGER WARNING – SELF HARM*

[Note: the picture on which the poem is superimposed is of red paint. The image was obtained from Morguefile at http://www.morguefile.com/archive/display/910529 . Although the image is meant to represent the subject matter of the poem, it is intended neither to offend nor to ‘promote’ self-harm.]

I wrote this poem a few months ago, possibly during a therapy break, although I cannot remember the exact circumstances. I remember thinking it was unfinished – but then when I came back to it a few weeks ago, it felt as though it was complete as it was. Trying to ‘tidy it up’ or add a more ‘positive’ ending felt like a denial, an attempt to ‘tidy up’ something that is anything but tidy. This is how it feels to me, when I want to self-harm – not the sum-total of how it feels; and not how it feels every single time. But it captures some key elements of most of my urges to hurt myself. I wrote it ‘in the moment’ – it’s un-tampered-with emotion.

And so I think it’s important to present it as it is.

It feels like only blood FINAL

 

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14 thoughts on “It feels like only blood

  1. I have recently found your blog and have done some digging though the archives. (Sorry , that sounds a little weird.) By way of saying, your honesty and forthrightness, and your willingness to share coupled with transparency is amazing. I am in a little bit of awe, and what you write completely resonates with me, so thank you so much for sharing your heart. You have touched someone out here. I live with similar issues and am having a beast of a time working through that. Reading your words has been a blessing to me. Touched me and made me feel less alone and in that I truly thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Don’t worry, it didn’t sound weird at all 😉 Thank you so incredibly much for your amazing words. At the risk of not sounding genuine (because I have said a similar thing to a couple of others who have made similar comments, but I absolutely mean it!) – it is comments like yours that literally keep me going sometimes. When I feel like I don’t ‘add anything’ or don’t matter, knowing that I have touched someone (as others have touched me in this way), is something that comes to mind and that provides hope and encouragement. Your words are something tangible to remember, when other things seem unreal. So thank you – your words have touched me too, and I very grateful that you found this post and that you have commented! Writing wouldn’t be the same without the interaction with others who understand. I am so sorry you are living with similar issues too, but I’m glad that you have reached out and it’s good to be able to support each other 🙂 Do keep in touch x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Also, what I more meant to say, was that I forward on your poem to my therapist. You wrote so eloquently of what we who SI go through, and I thought maybe he could understand through your words (I suck at poetry but you clearly do not). I am also a first time commenter so forgive me if I do it wrong. Your poem though, touched me and resonated. Thank you for writing. All the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for commenting for the first time – you are certainly not doing anything wrong at all! It is lovely to hear from you and to hear your thoughts, and I’m sure you don’t suck at poetry 🙂 I used to think I sucked at poetry too 😉 I hope forwarding the poem to your therapist helps – if you don’t mind sharing, it would be interesting to know what he thought! Not so much about the poetry side, but whether it helped in terms of understanding. But please don’t feel under any pressure either to discuss it with him or to say anything about it, as I know that for many people, what goes on in therapy, whatever it may be, stays in therapy….

      Like

  3. I agree with the above comment. I also believe that your writing is eloquent, honest, and passionate and gets at the heart of a lot of what I go through. This poem hit the nail on the head.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I am so very grateful for your words, and the fact that what I write resonates with you. I value honesty hugely – and so it’s humbling to hear that this is how you see my writing – as it is very much what I hope it is, and how I hope it comes across…..thank you, and thank you for reading, for all the many ‘likes’ (which I really appreciate!) and for commenting…do keep in touch 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It is perfect the way it is. Thank you for posting this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The poetry is lovely. Happily, the act is not identical to words describing the urge to enact.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Memory Monday – “It feels like only blood” | Life in a Bind - BPD and me

  7. Loved this. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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